Invaluable learnings

It’s been a year and two months since I moved to the US, much like many of my women clients who relocated for the sake of their husband’s careers. However, in my case, I must confess, it was a mutually consensual decision. He was being rewarded with a promotion and a dream post but the catch was that he had to relocate. A lot of my friends, who had come back to India after a few years elsewhere, spoke about the tiring physical routine and complete lack of belonging, outside India. After many deliberations, we decided to take up the challenge of moving bag and baggage, children and all to a country, we were strangers to, for the most part.  

This move has given our family some unique insights. Apart from the expected impressive infrastructure, disciplined traffic and easy access to basic and necessary government processes, there were many novel experiences, awaiting us. We found out to our surprise that one could activate water, sewage, garbage, electricity in one’s name within one day. Given the nature of our organized, methodical selves, it was a huge bonus. Slowly, we settled into our new home. The first six months were spent in furnishing the house, getting the kids settled in their school and understanding the school and social culture and norms.

The later posed some challenges. I remember being faced by stony, non expressive faces at the first school event. The almost vacant expressions and the briefest of glances that one reserves for strangers, greeted me. I remember coming back and sobbing. We have a few Indian friends here, from our college days in India and they are a soothing balm. Our comfort zones usually are. With them, we never felt like we were in an alien country. The life that they led was similar to what I was used to in Bangalore. It is another matter that it is vastly different from the one our parents lead in other parts of the country.

The differences that I see here don’t seem overwhelming to me. The lack of help is welcome. I, no longer feel dependent on the maid/cook to decide my schedule. Here, I set the pace. I cook, I clean, I drop the kids to their activities, and I do the groceries. I love it. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am in control of my life without the dominating underlying presence of family and the inevitable well meant manipulations of acquaintances.

I did not realize when I lived in India, that I was susceptible to doing things under comparative peer pressure. I had always prided myself on living my life by what felt congruent to my values with conscious concessions made for my husband and children. It was only when I was faced with an absolute lack of interest and zero interference, in my adopted country that I realized what freedom was.

As a family we feel uninhibited enough to try new things, experiment with novel activities without worrying about the embarrassment of failure. We seem to be thriving in the hugely desolate to many, seemingly we-don’t-care-enough-to-interfere culture. We appreciate that we make the rules and set the pace of our lives. 

Most importantly, our lives here allow us the luxury to spend quality and quantity time with our kids. Inculcating a sense of discipline, and having a structured routine in this predictable environment has never been easier. I am especially enjoying our ability to guide our kids in the right direction, due to the sheer lack of outside influences.

 While my first experience with the non-Indians was forgettable, with time I have made a few good friends. I don’t support their almost paranoid anxiety about strangers (and not just because I was subjected to it at that first school event), the over protective upbringing of children and the all pervading consumerist take. But, I have found out that I can learn a lot from them. I find my American friends more open to trying out hitherto unheard of things. You could call them sensation seekers but I prefer to see them as people open to change and adventure. They have this unique ability to adapt quickly, make changes, seek corrective action and find solutions. This is a refreshing change from the very eastern precept of dwelling on the melancholy of an unacceptable situation while living with it, often permanently.

I am also very appreciative of the changing gender roles, here. In so many households, the Mom works a full time job while the Dad stays home to take care of the house and kids. This decision is made on the basis of their monetary remunerations. It is a very simple and refreshing change from the gender stereotypes that I grew up with.

I don’t want to sound like there is nothing that I like about the country of my birth. Because nothing could be farther from the truth. I have spent the first 37 years of my life in India and that influences my thoughts, my values and my behavior. I have learnt to be moderate in my view, live with ambiguity, and develop tolerance towards hard to change circumstances. My collectivistic attitude is a result of my years spent in India. It helps curb my individualistic extremes. My thoughts on religion, God and spirituality started shaping in my home country. My roots will always be in India and that anchors me.Its the foundation on which I build upon.

Our stay in the US has been interesting, so far. It has equipped me with another perspective towards life. It is now that I have had the courage to be myself, individualistically collectivistic, a person full of contradictions. Having lived a certain life in India, I forced myself to fit into a mould, more often without much success. Here, now with added understanding about another way of life, I don’t need to fit. I have the liberty to make my own mould. It’s a learning that will last me a lifetime….even after I find my way back home.