We really can't have it all

I read an article by Anne Marie Slaughter titled 'Why women still can't have it all". She seemed to have it all…..a fantastic career, a supportive husband ready to take on the lion’s share of the parenting responsibilities, two healthy kids and the potential to grow more in her professional life as a full time career woman and a regular writer.  However, her article was an eye opener for me. She decided to go at a slower pace in order to deal with the hard time that her teen was going through.

For the first time in my adult life, I felt like I had read a real story about the real life of a career woman.

I grew up with a feminist and a super achiever all rolled into one mom. She had a fabulous career and kept a tight leash on things at home and on both of us, sisters. Well, that’s the accepted version, anyway. She believed it. Our extended family celebrated her for it and as her daughters we lived it. But the truth is, she struggled with it, as did most women of her generation and mine, too. It was a tightrope walk most of the time and I have been guilty of blaming her for not being around when I needed her. I can only imagine what she must have felt by that allegation.

Most young women with average intelligence and a modicum of ambition hope to have a career. In my growing years, I was fed on a diet of the importance of a career in a women’s life and how it was the most crucial element to our identity.  I am pretty sure; a lot of other women heard it multiple times from their female role models. Just like the woman in the article, we believed that we could do it if we tried hard enough. We could have a career and a great family life if we put in our best effort. Even as I write this article, I continue to believe in that myth…..but I am beginning to realize that I am wrong.

The flaw in this theory is the assumption that it is all about “Me”, that the woman with her supreme will can have it all. In this form, the precept mocks the presence of real human beings in her life and does not make concessions for their emotions, thoughts and behaviors. I may work hard to be successful at my work and put my best foot forward at home. But I cannot forget that my partner is human, too. He and my children could have differing and conflicting expectations from me. My boys, like all kids have their own personalities with the accompanying joys and foibles. The result adds some unpredictability in my life for which I cannot plan ahead.

The other hole in this superwoman theory is that it does not make any room for a woman’s emotional reactions to different variables in her personal life. That’s a big loophole. Most women are mentally much more involved and affected by the smooth running of a house and raising of children than their husbands. Ergo, anything upsetting the family balance will generate a host of negative emotions in her. Guilt, sadness or anger are not exactly conducive to seeking and sustaining a high flying career with a well adjusted, effectively functioning personal life. 

I think its time we set new standards and expectations from ourselves and our young women. It is important to talk openly about the real struggles of juggling a career and a family life….lest we continue to feel like failures for the inability to manage both, simultaneously or be miserable that we have lost our identities because we take a break to give birth and raise our children.

It’s important to talk about this issue to allow women to have the freedom to make choices for or against their career aspirations and feel equally fulfilled and content with it. Till then, the real liberation of women is a far dream.

As far as I am concerned, a career being equal to my identity is pretty much hardwired in my brain and its going to take some time and effort to get it out of my DNA. But, I live in the hope that the future generation of women don’t get chained down by this model of assessing self worth.

Invaluable learnings

It’s been a year and two months since I moved to the US, much like many of my women clients who relocated for the sake of their husband’s careers. However, in my case, I must confess, it was a mutually consensual decision. He was being rewarded with a promotion and a dream post but the catch was that he had to relocate. A lot of my friends, who had come back to India after a few years elsewhere, spoke about the tiring physical routine and complete lack of belonging, outside India. After many deliberations, we decided to take up the challenge of moving bag and baggage, children and all to a country, we were strangers to, for the most part.  

This move has given our family some unique insights. Apart from the expected impressive infrastructure, disciplined traffic and easy access to basic and necessary government processes, there were many novel experiences, awaiting us. We found out to our surprise that one could activate water, sewage, garbage, electricity in one’s name within one day. Given the nature of our organized, methodical selves, it was a huge bonus. Slowly, we settled into our new home. The first six months were spent in furnishing the house, getting the kids settled in their school and understanding the school and social culture and norms.

The later posed some challenges. I remember being faced by stony, non expressive faces at the first school event. The almost vacant expressions and the briefest of glances that one reserves for strangers, greeted me. I remember coming back and sobbing. We have a few Indian friends here, from our college days in India and they are a soothing balm. Our comfort zones usually are. With them, we never felt like we were in an alien country. The life that they led was similar to what I was used to in Bangalore. It is another matter that it is vastly different from the one our parents lead in other parts of the country.

The differences that I see here don’t seem overwhelming to me. The lack of help is welcome. I, no longer feel dependent on the maid/cook to decide my schedule. Here, I set the pace. I cook, I clean, I drop the kids to their activities, and I do the groceries. I love it. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am in control of my life without the dominating underlying presence of family and the inevitable well meant manipulations of acquaintances.

I did not realize when I lived in India, that I was susceptible to doing things under comparative peer pressure. I had always prided myself on living my life by what felt congruent to my values with conscious concessions made for my husband and children. It was only when I was faced with an absolute lack of interest and zero interference, in my adopted country that I realized what freedom was.

As a family we feel uninhibited enough to try new things, experiment with novel activities without worrying about the embarrassment of failure. We seem to be thriving in the hugely desolate to many, seemingly we-don’t-care-enough-to-interfere culture. We appreciate that we make the rules and set the pace of our lives. 

Most importantly, our lives here allow us the luxury to spend quality and quantity time with our kids. Inculcating a sense of discipline, and having a structured routine in this predictable environment has never been easier. I am especially enjoying our ability to guide our kids in the right direction, due to the sheer lack of outside influences.

 While my first experience with the non-Indians was forgettable, with time I have made a few good friends. I don’t support their almost paranoid anxiety about strangers (and not just because I was subjected to it at that first school event), the over protective upbringing of children and the all pervading consumerist take. But, I have found out that I can learn a lot from them. I find my American friends more open to trying out hitherto unheard of things. You could call them sensation seekers but I prefer to see them as people open to change and adventure. They have this unique ability to adapt quickly, make changes, seek corrective action and find solutions. This is a refreshing change from the very eastern precept of dwelling on the melancholy of an unacceptable situation while living with it, often permanently.

I am also very appreciative of the changing gender roles, here. In so many households, the Mom works a full time job while the Dad stays home to take care of the house and kids. This decision is made on the basis of their monetary remunerations. It is a very simple and refreshing change from the gender stereotypes that I grew up with.

I don’t want to sound like there is nothing that I like about the country of my birth. Because nothing could be farther from the truth. I have spent the first 37 years of my life in India and that influences my thoughts, my values and my behavior. I have learnt to be moderate in my view, live with ambiguity, and develop tolerance towards hard to change circumstances. My collectivistic attitude is a result of my years spent in India. It helps curb my individualistic extremes. My thoughts on religion, God and spirituality started shaping in my home country. My roots will always be in India and that anchors me.Its the foundation on which I build upon.

Our stay in the US has been interesting, so far. It has equipped me with another perspective towards life. It is now that I have had the courage to be myself, individualistically collectivistic, a person full of contradictions. Having lived a certain life in India, I forced myself to fit into a mould, more often without much success. Here, now with added understanding about another way of life, I don’t need to fit. I have the liberty to make my own mould. It’s a learning that will last me a lifetime….even after I find my way back home.