Change

As I enter into 2014, I can’t help but reminisce about the year past. 2013 was an eventful year for me and Counseling India, the clinic I run in Bangalore. I moved to Seattle in May 2011 with just faith that the clinic will do alright. My fellow counselor was someone I trusted and depended on and she has delivered sincerely. We did well. The clients went home happy, we paid the bills and basked in the glory of a job well done.

But as I enter into the New Year, I am asking myself and my team if that would be enough. Will hard work and sincerity alone take us to newer heights and feed our minds and stomachs? Competition is up and newer, younger talent is abundant. It is imminently possible that just breaking even could start posing a challenge, something I have never experienced in my working life. The only way our clinic can grow is if we offer unique services. Exploring newer avenues of marketing can only help.

 For the last 13 years I have been uncomfortable and wary about marketing the clinic and myself. To me it was akin to selling a consumer product. The clinic and its services are much more than that. We offer solace, peace, direction.... not something that should be peddled as wares in the market. I have been scornful of fellow professionals in my field who do that. 

But my high and mighty thoughts and lofty ideals are tasting dust in the light of the modern sun. My leased clinic space is becoming pricier. Clients are getting snagged. Assessment kits and other instruments are getting more and more expensive with passing time. Good work alone is not going to help. We will have to aggressively market what we do. I have full faith in the services and assessments we offer, but organizing ourselves into an efficient team is the need of the hour. I am bracing myself for this non clinical work to increase the footfalls in the clinic. It’s not going to be easy. We are expanding our range of offerings to keep up with the newer expectations of the clients. We are brainstorming. We are stepping out of our comfort zones while walking the thin line between ethical professionalism and utilitarian issues

If I am honest to myself, hope is a precious commodity as I swim in new waters. The team is looking for motivation and direction and I have precious little apart from my clinical knowledge and experience to give them. But, I am learning new things about business, every day and discovering new insights.

As I walk down this path, there is only one thing that I am clear about -We will survive and we will thrive. Times are changing and so will we.

The (ill) effects of my early life

I always wonder how my childhood experiences affect my present day thoughts and emotions……whether the early life interactions with family members and friends play a role in my behaviors, now. No surprise there J since I am a psychologist who is trained to scrutinize every client’s childhood.

But lately, I seem to draw some kind of a satisfaction from putting my babyhood and more particularly my upbringing under the microscope. It is a balm of sorts when certain situations evoke an oft repeated, unwanted and irrational emotional/ behavioral response. The research on the rearing and nurturing techniques explains it, thereby making it easier to understand and empathize. I know it sounds like a reason to cop out of any behavioral accountability. But, surprisingly enough, the moment I trace back that behavior to my youth, I am able to consciously change my reactions in the present day.

I grew up in a small town in central India, in a fairly well known family. While the entire town and its sister were teaching girls to be ….well, girls, I was brought up on the diet of liberal (often unconventional) thought. While homogeneity was the norm elsewhere, my family celebrated exceptional heterogeneity. Reading books, watching quality films and dramas and having discussions and debates over them were a regular feature in the house. The patriarch was very religious and ritualistic but his children and grandchildren were given the freedom to choose the nature of their relationship with God. Higher education and working women were highly respected, encouraged and openly applauded. Good conversational skills and a flair for good personal presentation were a plus.

However, what that meant was anyone who was regular was considered mediocre and hence, not worthy of any respect. Just as individualistic, original thought was commended, routine and regular was deemed boring and uninteresting.

When I was growing up, it seemed like a dream setting to me. I was allowed to be myself, free to express my thoughts, sometimes at the cost of being looked upon strangely by the external conservative environment The only expectation was to study well and have a successful career.

I did that. I also, fell in love with and married the one man who was the complete opposite of every male role model that I had grown up with. Well, not the absolute antithesis….he is very brainy….but pretty much at the opposite end of my Gaussian curve!

His family is very normal, believe in middle of the road philosophy, have very routine expectations from life (a regular job, a happy family life and maybe a small vacation every year), have faith in a few features of the gender stereotypes, and give a lot of brownie points to women with great parenting skills. Careers are fine but how you manage your home is far more important.

The guiding principles spoke of family first. Hierarchy was respected.  Moderation in everything was of utmost importance. The common good was what everyone worked towards...sometimes at the cost of individual desires and goals. Homogeneity brought peace and calm and streamlined everyday life and interactions with the outside world. Anything different was deemed controversial and hence rejected or suppressed, subtly.   

It was a nightmare for me, in the beginning. I resisted every conspiracy (as I saw it!) to make me regular. In the process I managed to alienate some family members who were just introducing me to their way of life in an attempt to make me a part of the new family. By blindly holding on to the tenets of my upbringing, I refused to see the goodness in their heart, the warmth in their cooking and the infinite care and worry that they exhibited for my children and me.

I am now in my late 30s and have only realized a few years back how my upbringing has made me prejudiced about people at the other end of the spectrum just as they could be about me. For someone who was brought up on individualism and respecting of it, I was critical of those who were being so. In the end, I was the one who wanted the heterogeneous homogeneity while being so deeply disparaging of their need for sameness.

Then, what is the right environment? Above are examples of two extremes. Democracy at its worst vs communism at its best. One kind of  family advocates the very western concept of heterogeneous individualism while the other speaks for homogenous collectivism. One is seemingly rooted in rational thought and the other in the eastern pragmatic and empirical philosophy. One way of life seems too self centered, egotistical even and the other overwhelmingly selfless.

One can’t help being born in a certain family with a certain set of guiding principles, however flawed. But, one can, without a doubt, look upon these precepts for what they are and live by another code of belief that is more altruistic and selfish, all at the same time. A middle path.( I am not missing the irony here!) A way of life where hierarchy and the space to pursue individual goals lives side by side. A life where both individualism and collectivism are respected. An environment for children which is structured enough to inculcate discipline and unchained enough to allow emancipation.

 

Well, like I said, our childhood holds the answers but the key is to let go and become an adult. I am trying to be one.

We really can't have it all

I read an article by Anne Marie Slaughter titled 'Why women still can't have it all". She seemed to have it all…..a fantastic career, a supportive husband ready to take on the lion’s share of the parenting responsibilities, two healthy kids and the potential to grow more in her professional life as a full time career woman and a regular writer.  However, her article was an eye opener for me. She decided to go at a slower pace in order to deal with the hard time that her teen was going through.

For the first time in my adult life, I felt like I had read a real story about the real life of a career woman.

I grew up with a feminist and a super achiever all rolled into one mom. She had a fabulous career and kept a tight leash on things at home and on both of us, sisters. Well, that’s the accepted version, anyway. She believed it. Our extended family celebrated her for it and as her daughters we lived it. But the truth is, she struggled with it, as did most women of her generation and mine, too. It was a tightrope walk most of the time and I have been guilty of blaming her for not being around when I needed her. I can only imagine what she must have felt by that allegation.

Most young women with average intelligence and a modicum of ambition hope to have a career. In my growing years, I was fed on a diet of the importance of a career in a women’s life and how it was the most crucial element to our identity.  I am pretty sure; a lot of other women heard it multiple times from their female role models. Just like the woman in the article, we believed that we could do it if we tried hard enough. We could have a career and a great family life if we put in our best effort. Even as I write this article, I continue to believe in that myth…..but I am beginning to realize that I am wrong.

The flaw in this theory is the assumption that it is all about “Me”, that the woman with her supreme will can have it all. In this form, the precept mocks the presence of real human beings in her life and does not make concessions for their emotions, thoughts and behaviors. I may work hard to be successful at my work and put my best foot forward at home. But I cannot forget that my partner is human, too. He and my children could have differing and conflicting expectations from me. My boys, like all kids have their own personalities with the accompanying joys and foibles. The result adds some unpredictability in my life for which I cannot plan ahead.

The other hole in this superwoman theory is that it does not make any room for a woman’s emotional reactions to different variables in her personal life. That’s a big loophole. Most women are mentally much more involved and affected by the smooth running of a house and raising of children than their husbands. Ergo, anything upsetting the family balance will generate a host of negative emotions in her. Guilt, sadness or anger are not exactly conducive to seeking and sustaining a high flying career with a well adjusted, effectively functioning personal life. 

I think its time we set new standards and expectations from ourselves and our young women. It is important to talk openly about the real struggles of juggling a career and a family life….lest we continue to feel like failures for the inability to manage both, simultaneously or be miserable that we have lost our identities because we take a break to give birth and raise our children.

It’s important to talk about this issue to allow women to have the freedom to make choices for or against their career aspirations and feel equally fulfilled and content with it. Till then, the real liberation of women is a far dream.

As far as I am concerned, a career being equal to my identity is pretty much hardwired in my brain and its going to take some time and effort to get it out of my DNA. But, I live in the hope that the future generation of women don’t get chained down by this model of assessing self worth.

Invaluable learnings

It’s been a year and two months since I moved to the US, much like many of my women clients who relocated for the sake of their husband’s careers. However, in my case, I must confess, it was a mutually consensual decision. He was being rewarded with a promotion and a dream post but the catch was that he had to relocate. A lot of my friends, who had come back to India after a few years elsewhere, spoke about the tiring physical routine and complete lack of belonging, outside India. After many deliberations, we decided to take up the challenge of moving bag and baggage, children and all to a country, we were strangers to, for the most part.  

This move has given our family some unique insights. Apart from the expected impressive infrastructure, disciplined traffic and easy access to basic and necessary government processes, there were many novel experiences, awaiting us. We found out to our surprise that one could activate water, sewage, garbage, electricity in one’s name within one day. Given the nature of our organized, methodical selves, it was a huge bonus. Slowly, we settled into our new home. The first six months were spent in furnishing the house, getting the kids settled in their school and understanding the school and social culture and norms.

The later posed some challenges. I remember being faced by stony, non expressive faces at the first school event. The almost vacant expressions and the briefest of glances that one reserves for strangers, greeted me. I remember coming back and sobbing. We have a few Indian friends here, from our college days in India and they are a soothing balm. Our comfort zones usually are. With them, we never felt like we were in an alien country. The life that they led was similar to what I was used to in Bangalore. It is another matter that it is vastly different from the one our parents lead in other parts of the country.

The differences that I see here don’t seem overwhelming to me. The lack of help is welcome. I, no longer feel dependent on the maid/cook to decide my schedule. Here, I set the pace. I cook, I clean, I drop the kids to their activities, and I do the groceries. I love it. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am in control of my life without the dominating underlying presence of family and the inevitable well meant manipulations of acquaintances.

I did not realize when I lived in India, that I was susceptible to doing things under comparative peer pressure. I had always prided myself on living my life by what felt congruent to my values with conscious concessions made for my husband and children. It was only when I was faced with an absolute lack of interest and zero interference, in my adopted country that I realized what freedom was.

As a family we feel uninhibited enough to try new things, experiment with novel activities without worrying about the embarrassment of failure. We seem to be thriving in the hugely desolate to many, seemingly we-don’t-care-enough-to-interfere culture. We appreciate that we make the rules and set the pace of our lives. 

Most importantly, our lives here allow us the luxury to spend quality and quantity time with our kids. Inculcating a sense of discipline, and having a structured routine in this predictable environment has never been easier. I am especially enjoying our ability to guide our kids in the right direction, due to the sheer lack of outside influences.

 While my first experience with the non-Indians was forgettable, with time I have made a few good friends. I don’t support their almost paranoid anxiety about strangers (and not just because I was subjected to it at that first school event), the over protective upbringing of children and the all pervading consumerist take. But, I have found out that I can learn a lot from them. I find my American friends more open to trying out hitherto unheard of things. You could call them sensation seekers but I prefer to see them as people open to change and adventure. They have this unique ability to adapt quickly, make changes, seek corrective action and find solutions. This is a refreshing change from the very eastern precept of dwelling on the melancholy of an unacceptable situation while living with it, often permanently.

I am also very appreciative of the changing gender roles, here. In so many households, the Mom works a full time job while the Dad stays home to take care of the house and kids. This decision is made on the basis of their monetary remunerations. It is a very simple and refreshing change from the gender stereotypes that I grew up with.

I don’t want to sound like there is nothing that I like about the country of my birth. Because nothing could be farther from the truth. I have spent the first 37 years of my life in India and that influences my thoughts, my values and my behavior. I have learnt to be moderate in my view, live with ambiguity, and develop tolerance towards hard to change circumstances. My collectivistic attitude is a result of my years spent in India. It helps curb my individualistic extremes. My thoughts on religion, God and spirituality started shaping in my home country. My roots will always be in India and that anchors me.Its the foundation on which I build upon.

Our stay in the US has been interesting, so far. It has equipped me with another perspective towards life. It is now that I have had the courage to be myself, individualistically collectivistic, a person full of contradictions. Having lived a certain life in India, I forced myself to fit into a mould, more often without much success. Here, now with added understanding about another way of life, I don’t need to fit. I have the liberty to make my own mould. It’s a learning that will last me a lifetime….even after I find my way back home.    

The loss of dreams

Radha (name and some details changed) walked into my clinic yesterday. She was my new client. She was an average looking 65 yr old with intelligent eyes….smartly dressed in a cotton salwar kameez with matching jewellery. Her hair was tied up in a bun. She seemed tired as if the weight on her mind was sapping her of all the energy. This is her story.

“I was born in a middle class educated family and grew up in a protected environment. I finished my graduation with good marks and started applying for jobs in the education sector. I wanted to be a teacher. My family seemed supportive till the time I got engaged. Now, it was up to my fiancé to ‘allow’ me to work, they said. Bhushan was an engineer with a steel company and was quite ambitious and hard working. As I spent time with him, I realized that he was the right partner for me. Calm, reassuring, mature and intelligent…..the exact opposite to my impish, impulsive naiveté. As our courtship progressed, I recognized at a sub conscious level that my beliefs and dreams would take second place to his. He would change but at his pace and will. However, I was too much in love to pay heed to it.

We got married and moved to his place of work. We were happy and in love. He was very meticulous and disciplined, something that I respected….but he was also very rigid about his way of thinking. His beliefs and principles were his guiding light. And, he was mine. Slowly, I started changing to accommodate his vision of life. Don’t get me wrong. At no point of time, did he pressurize me to change but there was a covert expectation and I delivered to it.

I liked spontaneity, but he felt that it was eulogizing lack of planning and foresight. I was very particular and detailed about my housekeeping ….but his family labeled it as an obsessive compulsive trait. I began to make amends to my style of working, realizing that they were right. Bhushan continued to be the way he was, defending his beliefs and attributing his professional success to his punctilious nature.

Around the same time, I gave birth to our first child. Everybody in the family was overjoyed. But no one asked me how I felt and what I wanted. I spoke about some of my dreams connected with the child, with Bhushan. But, he was too happy with being a father, to listen. I was angry and fought with him long and hard…..for many bitter yrs. Many an argument sprung from my inability to fulfill my dreams, personal and professional.

Slowly, he understood what I was saying but it was too late to bring to fruition my desires.

As our child grew up, I started teaching neighbourhood children. Soon, the tuitions were in demand and I was slowly on my way to realizing my dream. A few yrs later, we were blessed with another child. I took a break from work to take care of him, only resuming the tuitions when he was a little older. All was well. I had made peace with the changes. Bhushan was also changing. He was a great father. Very hands on. He helped me in numerous small ways with house work as well as my tuitions. His suggestions were valuable to me. Financially, we were doing well. Bhushan was now the General Manager. His promotions allowed us to take luxurious holidays besides saving for the children’s education and our retirement.

And, then he got transferred to another city. I was happy for him but it meant I could not continue to teach my students. A series of similar promotions and transfers, school and board exams translated into my inability to work consistently.

My children are now grown up and married to caring and mature partners. They visit us when they can…but for the most part are busy with their own lives. Bhushan is now retired and would like us to take on the job of caring for our grandchildren, during weekdays, to allow their parents to work.

I am tired of accommodating the family’s wishes. But, I know, he will convince me. He was always able to. I took emotional decisions all my life, never really fighting for my wishes. I am not resentful nor do I blame Bhushan for this. He only did what he thought was in our best interests.

Today, I feel like I let go of so many opportunities….in the end doing only what most women of my age did. I always thought I was different. But, really speaking, I am just as ordinary and average as the woman next door. And that thought does not allow me sleep well at night.”

Radha’s story struck a chord in me. But, how do I counsel her? What do I say to her that will decrease her agony? I had nothing. I listened to her vent her feelings. That is all I could do. Ultimately, it was her burden to carry.

Love and Respect

A friend came to me one day- “There is talk in the house that we might relocate to another country if my partner is offered a certain lucrative position.” Hmmmm….this is the inevitable dilemma that is posed before most of us living in today’s world. “Fundamentally, I am supportive of his career and have nothing against taking up this opportunity that allows him to surge ahead”, she said.

But that was not the problem.

“It would be great for the kids to live a life different from the one lived so far. All of us will get a different perspective to life.” Well, no arguments there, I thought

A novel experience, if only, one chooses to see it that way. Making a fresh start is something a lot of people look forward to. But she continued to be skeptical of it.

Supporting a partner’s career during such a time can involve giving up yours (due to other non negotiable family commitments such as young kids). Having built up a career and a decent professional reputation from scratch, you might find yourself not being overly enthusiastic about this potential development. Many a past history of many a woman shows innumerable missed opportunities and choices made for the family. Many are emotional decisions that come to haunt them later.

It is only recently that, I have personally, let go of the consequential resentment associated with similar life choices. I, now, choose to look at them as decisions made by me instead of enforced and obligatory choices.

The commonality underlying such predicament is the Love vs. Respect choice. If one goes for the supportive partner option, the access to acceptance, love and adoration is infinite. The opposite preference might not make you an instant hit but guarantees admiration and respect for standing up for one’s beliefs and needs. The former alternative is easier to make but following it through is a hard walk. The latter poses problems at first but will let you sleep peacefully fulfilled at night.

But, isn’t that too simplistic an explanation? Agreeing to a decision with altruistic components is fine as long as you do not go into the victim or martyr mode. On the other hand, dancing to your own tune might be a lonely walk with guilt as the only companion.

Will my friend be lucky this time? Will she be free to take a call without any resulting bitterness or remorse? I doubt it……

My leap of faith

I recently read “Code Name God” by Mani Bhaumik. It is about the spiritual voyage of a man of science. Mr. Bhaumik, (a Nobel Prize winning physicist) has tried fairly successfully to give scientific evidence for the existence of God using the precepts of Quantum Physics. I can almost see you nodding off but it is really not as esoteric as it sounds. It has been beautifully written. Though dizzyingly confusing at times (you can’t help the light headedness when the subject is such) it achieves its purpose.

I am a believer in God myself though I confess to needing a scientific explanation for pretty much everything else in life. My interactions with people have shown me that a majority of them think similarly. Over the last couple of years, I have begun to question the validity of this practice.

Are we so shackled to the rational and cogent part of our brain that we don’t acknowledge unsubstantiated things around us. Do we only look at the demonstrated truth because the untested is too much of a leap in the dark for us? In short, are we scared to believe the unusual inspite of the alleged extraordinary results/benefits?

I deal with psychological problems everyday in my work sphere. I have always depended on the psychiatrist and allopathy to take care of the all consuming symptoms through medications. All these drugs come with a lot of side effects. On one hand they take care of the offending symptoms but on the other they cause blunting of natural tendencies and emotional responses.

I had never really thought about exploring new/different categories of treatments. My conventional educational training did not agree to that. But, working on my own (without the fetters of a job in a traditional system) has led me to be more curious. And some innovation has followed. That was my leap of faith.

I now take the help of an ingenious homeopath who has worked wonders with some of my clients with anxiety, panic attacks and depression. She is also very resourceful when it comes to the treatment of insomnia. Her remedies give me the opening, for therapy to begin healing. My leap of faith in the direction of homeopathy has made me curious about other alternative therapies.

I no longer follow the classical therapeutic approach during counseling. I have often been asked about my methodology. I don’t have one. I don’t even have a favourite approach. I use a blend of different therapies suitable for the client. And as long as the client goes back more sorted and contemplative, I have done my job. For therapy and counseling is not about giving solutions but about setting the client on a path of self discovery and consciousness. Awareness is what I am aiming at.

Bhaumik did that to me.