I always wonder how my childhood experiences affect my
present day thoughts and emotions……whether the early life interactions with
family members and friends play a role in my behaviors, now. No surprise there J
since I am a psychologist who is trained to scrutinize every client’s
childhood.
But lately, I seem to draw some kind of a satisfaction from
putting my babyhood and more particularly my upbringing under the microscope.
It is a balm of sorts when certain situations evoke an oft repeated, unwanted and
irrational emotional/ behavioral response. The research on the rearing and
nurturing techniques explains it, thereby making it easier to understand and
empathize. I know it sounds like a reason to cop out of any behavioral
accountability. But, surprisingly enough, the moment I trace back that behavior
to my youth, I am able to consciously change my reactions in the present day.
I grew up in a small town in central India , in a
fairly well known family. While the entire town and its sister were teaching girls
to be ….well, girls, I was brought up on the diet of liberal (often
unconventional) thought. While homogeneity was the norm elsewhere, my family celebrated
exceptional heterogeneity. Reading books, watching quality films and dramas and
having discussions and debates over them were a regular feature in the house.
The patriarch was very religious and ritualistic but his children and
grandchildren were given the freedom to choose the nature of their relationship
with God. Higher education and working women were highly respected, encouraged
and openly applauded. Good conversational skills and a flair for good personal
presentation were a plus.
However, what that meant was anyone who was regular was
considered mediocre and hence, not worthy of any respect. Just as
individualistic, original thought was commended, routine and regular was deemed
boring and uninteresting.
When I was growing up, it seemed like a dream setting to me.
I was allowed to be myself, free to express my thoughts, sometimes at the cost of
being looked upon strangely by the external conservative environment The only
expectation was to study well and have a successful career.
I did that. I also, fell in love with and married the one
man who was the complete opposite of every male role model that I had grown up
with. Well, not the absolute antithesis….he is very brainy….but pretty much at
the opposite end of my Gaussian curve!
His family is very normal, believe in middle of the road
philosophy, have very routine expectations from life (a regular job, a happy
family life and maybe a small vacation every year), have faith in a few
features of the gender stereotypes, and give a lot of brownie points to women with
great parenting skills. Careers are fine but how you manage
your home is far more important.
The guiding principles spoke of family first. Hierarchy was respected. Moderation in everything was of utmost importance. The common good was what everyone worked towards...sometimes at the cost of individual desires and goals. Homogeneity brought peace and calm and streamlined everyday life and interactions with the outside world. Anything different was deemed controversial and hence rejected or suppressed, subtly.
It was a nightmare for me, in the beginning. I resisted
every conspiracy (as I saw it!) to make me regular. In the process I managed to
alienate some family members who were just introducing me to their way of life
in an attempt to make me a part of the new family. By blindly holding on to the
tenets of my upbringing, I refused to see the goodness in their heart, the
warmth in their cooking and the infinite care and worry that they exhibited for
my children and me.
I am now in my late 30s and have only realized a few years
back how my upbringing has made me prejudiced about people at the other end of
the spectrum just as they could be about me. For someone who was brought up on
individualism and respecting of it, I was critical of those who were being so.
In the end, I was the one who wanted the heterogeneous homogeneity while being
so deeply disparaging of their need for sameness.
Then, what is the right environment? Above are examples of
two extremes. Democracy at its worst vs communism at its best. One kind of family advocates the very western concept of heterogeneous individualism
while the other speaks for homogenous collectivism. One is seemingly rooted in
rational thought and the other in the eastern pragmatic and empirical
philosophy. One way of life seems too self centered, egotistical even and the
other overwhelmingly selfless.
One can’t help being born in a certain family with a certain
set of guiding principles, however flawed. But, one can, without a doubt, look
upon these precepts for what they are and live by another code of belief that
is more altruistic and selfish, all at the same time. A middle path.( I am not missing the irony here!) A way of life where hierarchy and the space to pursue individual goals lives side by side. A life where both individualism and collectivism are respected. An environment for children which is structured enough to inculcate discipline and unchained enough to allow emancipation.
Well, like I said, our childhood holds the answers but the
key is to let go and become an adult. I am trying to be one.
