My leap of faith

I recently read “Code Name God” by Mani Bhaumik. It is about the spiritual voyage of a man of science. Mr. Bhaumik, (a Nobel Prize winning physicist) has tried fairly successfully to give scientific evidence for the existence of God using the precepts of Quantum Physics. I can almost see you nodding off but it is really not as esoteric as it sounds. It has been beautifully written. Though dizzyingly confusing at times (you can’t help the light headedness when the subject is such) it achieves its purpose.

I am a believer in God myself though I confess to needing a scientific explanation for pretty much everything else in life. My interactions with people have shown me that a majority of them think similarly. Over the last couple of years, I have begun to question the validity of this practice.

Are we so shackled to the rational and cogent part of our brain that we don’t acknowledge unsubstantiated things around us. Do we only look at the demonstrated truth because the untested is too much of a leap in the dark for us? In short, are we scared to believe the unusual inspite of the alleged extraordinary results/benefits?

I deal with psychological problems everyday in my work sphere. I have always depended on the psychiatrist and allopathy to take care of the all consuming symptoms through medications. All these drugs come with a lot of side effects. On one hand they take care of the offending symptoms but on the other they cause blunting of natural tendencies and emotional responses.

I had never really thought about exploring new/different categories of treatments. My conventional educational training did not agree to that. But, working on my own (without the fetters of a job in a traditional system) has led me to be more curious. And some innovation has followed. That was my leap of faith.

I now take the help of an ingenious homeopath who has worked wonders with some of my clients with anxiety, panic attacks and depression. She is also very resourceful when it comes to the treatment of insomnia. Her remedies give me the opening, for therapy to begin healing. My leap of faith in the direction of homeopathy has made me curious about other alternative therapies.

I no longer follow the classical therapeutic approach during counseling. I have often been asked about my methodology. I don’t have one. I don’t even have a favourite approach. I use a blend of different therapies suitable for the client. And as long as the client goes back more sorted and contemplative, I have done my job. For therapy and counseling is not about giving solutions but about setting the client on a path of self discovery and consciousness. Awareness is what I am aiming at.

Bhaumik did that to me.

Self Awareness

My client recently said to me that her complaints about her partner are just a reflection of her own inadequacies. I have learnt it to be true in many personal conflicts. But it was only when she put it so succinctly that I ruminated over it. (For a moment our counselor-counselee relationship reversed)

Ask yourself the same question- How many of your complaints about family members, co workers and friends are in the same category. Are you really upset at your boss for not showing you enough respect? Or don’t you respect yourself enough and hence the need for reverence from someone else.

Here is my theory on this-

We know who we are to a large extent at a subconscious level. We know our faults, our strengths, our limitations and our skills. But to function in a fairly effective and efficient manner, we live in denial about a few weaknesses. The awareness is just below the surface but not yet out in the conscious mind.

It all starts in our childhood. We pretend to be better in order to be accepted and to live up to the so called social/family/moral standards. By the time we are adults, the pretense becomes our reality. This gap between the real self and the projected image is good to a large extent. I look at it as an evolutionary change. It allows us to function successfully and be masters of our destiny. But larger the distance between the two, more the stress in your life and more the conflicts in your relationships.

So, what is the prescription here? Does one express one’s inadequacies explicitly? That clearly wouldn’t do. Imagine talking about your diffidence in a yearly appraisal meeting! For a common man motivated by the usual human drives, it is difficult to be completely honest outside of self. Only a Gandhi can write “My experiments with Truth”.

What would help is being aware of these failings and living with that self-awareness. Being conscious about this knowledge while the required, almost obligatory pretence goes on, is the first step. Responding with that awareness in personal interactions is the next. The resultant change that you see in yourself is the seed for evolved living.

My daily struggle

I am in the process of expanding the services in my clinic and find myself getting hassled by the inevitable operational details and delays. And, then get even more stressed about the fact that I am getting hassled. I mean, I am supposed to be in control…..all the time. My usual response to things not going according to (my) plan is to get worked up, angry and tense. I also tend to express that in a fit of anger.

I was raised by a super mom; she was one of the top most cytologists in Asia. She was also part of a large extended family which made demands on her time. And she was married to a busy paediatrician …and she raised two difficult-to-raise daughters….She did all this well and was highly respected within her family and work circles. She also died young due to fatigue (that is my theory……though the medical interpretation was ARDS)

I am trying really hard to emulate her work ethics and to a large extent it comes easily to me. What I struggle with is the balancing act…..juggling my work and personal life.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to excel in both these areas. I get worked up if I am unable to put out a good meal every day (though I manage to do just the opposite for a few meals every week!!) I also get very upset and lose my sleep if a client deadline is not met.

I am a Type A and have a tendency to be obsessive about cleanliness and order…. Wow…and, hold on …. My husband is also quite particular about things around him…..Double Wow….

I am trying to change everyday…trying to let go of things at work and at home. I tell myself to relax…It is ok if I am late for a client appointment by 10 mins due to traffic. I will apologize and move on. If my cook does not turn up for the evening dinner I now, make a one pot meal and enjoy it.

I see a lot of clients in my counseling practice with similar issues of daily stress. Quite a lot of them are Type As. Some have clarity about their maladaptive responses but a majority of them spend their days getting worked up about small and petty issues. The sad part is that they are not aware of how their reactions are affecting them and their loved ones. I have always felt that awareness is the key to changing. Having said that, there needs to be finite time between realization and responsive action. You don’t want to be aware and make a change only after having a heart attack. I am not exaggerating.

Such maladaptive responses, over a period of time can put a lot of pressure on your heart. When we get stressed the blood pressure, heart rate rises and it usually takes anything between 15 mins to an hour for the heart and you to calm down. The heart goes through multiple such ups and downs in a day much like a car that is driven at a lower gear and high speed over an extended period of time. Fatigue and heart failure can set in at a relatively earlier age in Type A people. The heart gives up one day…

I always take twenty seconds when I sense that something is upsetting me. I try and cut thru my emotions (predominantly anger) and go to the trigger. Then I ask myself about the long term impact of the trigger. Usually I find that there isn’t any. It is a smooth ride after that and it is easy to let go of the offensive emotion. I will be the first to admit that it is easier said than done. It is daily struggle but totally worth it.

The smile on my son's face when I do not react to the dirty hand smudges on the wall is worth all the trouble. Also, I want to live, not die of fatigue....like my mom.

Thoughts

I am a mom of a seven year old but this is not a tale of outpourings about the joy of motherhood. I want to tell about the general capacity of a young child for mature thought and action. But first I will have to explain the experiences behind this revelation….well; it is a tale of a proud mother (among other things!)

One day, all of a sudden, my mom got hospitalized for Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome. I flew down the very next day to be with her and my Dad. She was hooked to a ventilator but she seemed stable. Within a week, however she developed complications and went into multi organ failure.

My husband and my son flew down to support me. For Viren, (my kid, then a six yr old) it was a holiday. He got to meet his cousins, paternal grandparents and the extended family in general (my husband’s family stays in the same city). His little brain was yet to fathom the gravity of the situation. He went back in a few days with his dad, a little sad because I wasn’t with him. I and his dad decided to tell him the truth that Aaji was very sick and had to be taken care of…and that I had to stay back to do that. He understood very easily, gave me a hug, asked me to take care of Aaji and left with a smile.

My mom continued to go through her ups and downs and so did our emotions. She would be very alert and coherent one day and very delirious the next…..my dad was quiet through all this. As a doctor he probably knew and dreaded the outcome…..we had the best medical and nursing care…our entire family rallied around us…...but hope was soon a precious commodity.

My son and husband would fly down each weekend and go back home to school and work every Monday. Towards the end of three weeks, Viren called and asked when I would be back? This was the longest he had stayed away from me. (I had left him with his Dad for a max of 6 days when I went to a medical conference) It just tore my heart to hear the longing in his voice. I kept my emotions to myself and tried to explain the situation to him. He cut me short and said that he understood completely. He could hold on till the coming weekend (it was 3 days away) and could I come and see him for a few days and then go back to take care of Aaji. No crying, no tantrum, no emotional blackmail.

I went home that weekend and stayed for 7 days trying to spend time with him while dealing with my feelings of having abandoned my mom and dad. My son dealt with my emotions by being with me all the time. He would hug me, hold me and distract me with stories from school. He became a parent for me.

I went back and 9 days later my mom passed away. My husband decided to take my dad back with us. I was of course relieved and grateful for his thoughtfulness. What I did not anticipate was Viren’s reaction. Once back home, he pussy footed around all of us. He cried when we did but kept his fears and insecurities to himself. He became the parent for me. He would be around every time I felt low. I was like a zombie on auto pilot, just getting through the work and chores each day. He felt my pain and was the first one to see the tears pricking my eyes. He would hug me and say, “Mumma, I am here for you. Don’t cry. Aaji is with us”. And he would point at a star to denote her altered existence.

Life went on. A year later, I felt myself again. My husband, too, seemed more his self. Dad looked like he was healing.

But that was not true of Viren. In that year, he had grown up, too soon. He saw death, he dealt with his mom not being around, and he handled the uncertainties of daily life…..something a six yr old should have been able to take for granted. He became my security guard. He would take up for me if he even so much felt a negative vibe directed at me. All the while he dealt with his fear of parental mortality.

We realized that we had to make up for lost time. We wanted him to go back to being our six yr old son. We started having chats about mortality, death and the journey of souls. He started verbalizing his fears. He was afraid of being alone if both of us (parents) passed away. And during these chats, he started becoming the same young child that we remembered and missed….

I no longer worry about his tantrums and stubbornness (yes, it is back and thank God for it). I have seen the potential for maturity and I know he is on the right path.