Radha (name and some details changed) walked into my clinic yesterday. She was my new client. She was an average looking 65 yr old with intelligent eyes….smartly dressed in a cotton salwar kameez with matching jewellery. Her hair was tied up in a bun. She seemed tired as if the weight on her mind was sapping her of all the energy. This is her story.
“I was born in a middle class educated family and grew up in a protected environment. I finished my graduation with good marks and started applying for jobs in the education sector. I wanted to be a teacher. My family seemed supportive till the time I got engaged. Now, it was up to my fiancé to ‘allow’ me to work, they said. Bhushan was an engineer with a steel company and was quite ambitious and hard working. As I spent time with him, I realized that he was the right partner for me. Calm, reassuring, mature and intelligent…..the exact opposite to my impish, impulsive naiveté. As our courtship progressed, I recognized at a sub conscious level that my beliefs and dreams would take second place to his. He would change but at his pace and will. However, I was too much in love to pay heed to it.
We got married and moved to his place of work. We were happy and in love. He was very meticulous and disciplined, something that I respected….but he was also very rigid about his way of thinking. His beliefs and principles were his guiding light. And, he was mine. Slowly, I started changing to accommodate his vision of life. Don’t get me wrong. At no point of time, did he pressurize me to change but there was a covert expectation and I delivered to it.
I liked spontaneity, but he felt that it was eulogizing lack of planning and foresight. I was very particular and detailed about my housekeeping ….but his family labeled it as an obsessive compulsive trait. I began to make amends to my style of working, realizing that they were right. Bhushan continued to be the way he was, defending his beliefs and attributing his professional success to his punctilious nature.
Around the same time, I gave birth to our first child. Everybody in the family was overjoyed. But no one asked me how I felt and what I wanted. I spoke about some of my dreams connected with the child, with Bhushan. But, he was too happy with being a father, to listen. I was angry and fought with him long and hard…..for many bitter yrs. Many an argument sprung from my inability to fulfill my dreams, personal and professional.
Slowly, he understood what I was saying but it was too late to bring to fruition my desires.
As our child grew up, I started teaching neighbourhood children. Soon, the tuitions were in demand and I was slowly on my way to realizing my dream. A few yrs later, we were blessed with another child. I took a break from work to take care of him, only resuming the tuitions when he was a little older. All was well. I had made peace with the changes. Bhushan was also changing. He was a great father. Very hands on. He helped me in numerous small ways with house work as well as my tuitions. His suggestions were valuable to me. Financially, we were doing well. Bhushan was now the General Manager. His promotions allowed us to take luxurious holidays besides saving for the children’s education and our retirement.
And, then he got transferred to another city. I was happy for him but it meant I could not continue to teach my students. A series of similar promotions and transfers, school and board exams translated into my inability to work consistently.
My children are now grown up and married to caring and mature partners. They visit us when they can…but for the most part are busy with their own lives. Bhushan is now retired and would like us to take on the job of caring for our grandchildren, during weekdays, to allow their parents to work.
I am tired of accommodating the family’s wishes. But, I know, he will convince me. He was always able to. I took emotional decisions all my life, never really fighting for my wishes. I am not resentful nor do I blame Bhushan for this. He only did what he thought was in our best interests.
Today, I feel like I let go of so many opportunities….in the end doing only what most women of my age did. I always thought I was different. But, really speaking, I am just as ordinary and average as the woman next door. And that thought does not allow me sleep well at night.”
